Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Ha. I had totally forgotten about this blog (if anyone is still reading).

Lots of other changes going on in my life. At a certain point I realized I was putting my own decisions on hold because I was worried what would happen to my parents. Those feelings are coming from a good place. Maybe. In some ways. But such a mindset is not too healthy in other ways.

They are adults, they can face things.

I'm not their parent. I need to make decisions* based on my own future.

And I realized I wasn't doing that. I was staying in a situation that was making me pretty unhappy at least in part because I was worried about finances and what would happen if my family needed the money and I was not able to help them out. That is just plain messed up. So I have decided to quit my job and go back to school and prepare for a total career change. I have money saved up. I will be able to take care of myself financially, pay my rent and my tuition, have some wiggle room in case something bad or unexpected happens.

It makes me feel excited, hopefully, eager about the future and about right now too. And I love feeling that way.  So, it has been a good choice so far, even though it is a little scary not to have an income.

And I think it will work out for them too. They have a "gentleman's agreement" on the house, they will sign the papers at the end of this month.

I will maybe talk about that more later and what my role will be in the process of them moving.



*To be fair, I think I put most of the pressure on myself, to be there for everyone, to help everyone out. I just want to fill the needs that exist for the people I care about. I don't even think people are demanding it of me, I think I am demanding it of myself. Everyone (at work, my family, my friends) has been surprisingly understanding when I have drawn boundaries for myself and said "no I need to do this, for me, instead"

Good News!

They are putting the house on the market. They've met with a realtor, pictures happening today I believe, house on market next Tuesday. This is the aggressive plan, maybe not even wholly unrealistic.

I went over a couple evenings last week, helped move boxes down to a 'staging' area in the garage. Sunday was yard work, mulching, painting the fence. Tonight probably more boxes. My mom had been using the professional organizers too, an extra set of hands, so that's great. I guess it's at a point where the remaining stuff can be stowed out of sight (i.e. in garage) while the dwelling area is showcased. Hurrah!!!

Also no need to sign the home equity note.

I'm unfortunately starting to get sick I think. I'm so so so tired. But it's really going somewhere. I think it really might just happen... don't want to get my hopes up tooooo much, but it's looking good, realtor says it's actually not too bad a time to sell even.

Haha... the gif looks slightly ridiculous with that border around it. Ah well.

Adult

I had offered to lend my dad some money if they ended up in a tight spot (with the rule of thumb in mind that you shouldn't lend more than you'd be willing to give). I had looked through my budget and decided an amount that I'd be comfortable never getting back from them. But they didn't end up needing it when we first had the conversation.

The house is now mostly in a state to sell, but there is a home equity note to sign. Earlier this week, he asked me to sign for a portion of it, a low percentage, which I wouldn't even have to pay if the house sells, but if the house doesn't sell, the amount I'd be responsible for is higher than the amount I had initially thought of loaning them (or potentially giving them if they are unable to pay back ever). I'm still not sure I fully understand the situation. I will see my dad this weekend and hopefully clarify exactly what this entails. Maybe talk to my friend who is a lawyer. I'm of course not going to be signing stuff blindly.

I kind of want to say that I will agree to it IF Mom agrees to go to therapy, but that seems pretty manipulative. I don't know. I don't really have much experience with this type of decision. I'm mostly just working through it here. Not agreeing to anything.

Other tough news: I have gotten a letter from my employer about some mistakes I made last week, that this is a problem, that I am on probation until the end of the year. Serious stuff. As soon as I knew about the mistakes I immediately worked to correct them and make sure that sort of thing never happens again. But it is true, even beyond that incident, I am distracted. I know that I cannot blame this on anyone or anything else.

A part of me wants to be so selfish and say FINE THEN I QUIT...

But I need the money. I need to feel secure financially. Plus I'm a fighter. I'm a stubborn mo*******king fighter.

Funny Dream

I had a dream I was some kind of fugitive. I had to grab some provisions quickly and get outta town.

I stopped by my parents’ to get some supplies and they were going to give me a lift. My mom kept bringing out items that I might need. I was like AHHH NO I’ve got pretty much everything I need, plus it’s going to be super suspicious, not to mention HEAVY, if I am carrying around all these bags with this stuff – I have to leave, I have to leave, they are coming. She said, no it will be fine, it will be fine, brought out winter gloves, scarves, some food, etc.

My heart was racing.

Then I looked out the front window and saw two dark colored government vans pull in front of the house. They are here! I say. What should I do? A thought occurred to me at the same time my mom spoke it, go out the back door.

So I did, with all of the stuff she had convinced me to bring, kind of already knowing they’d be able to overtake me quickly, since they’d see all the remaining supplies inside, since I’d be on foot, since there’d be no way for my parents to drive me anywhere if they were talking to those government people.

I woke up, very relieved, almost laughing that it was a dream.

Memory

Hung out Friday with a good friend of mine from growing up (she has known me since first grade - over 20 years!). I've talked to her a bit about the hoarding situation, because I've known her so long, I trust her, she's a psychologist and also has really really reasonable standards of appropriate boundaries or behavior. At one point though I recounted a story from when I was maybe 20.

So for almost as long as I can remember either the kitchen or dining room table has been unusable. We would either eat all our meals on the kitchen table or all of the meals on the dining room table, depending which was clean. 

So I have this recollection, thinking, I'm going to do something awesome for Mom, she's always complaining about how the house is such a mess. I will clean off the kitchen table so we can eat on it again. She was away helping as a cook at this church youth camp for teenage girls - I think at least two of my sisters were attending. Anyway I spent probably half a day tossing the expired coupons and the junk mail, compiling anything that looked important into a small stack. I wiped down the table, put out a tablecloth, possibly even picked some flowers from the yard to make it all pretty for when my mom and the girls arrived home. I was imagining her being so happy and pleased that we would be able to use the table again, that it looked so nice, that I had spent time to do something kind for her. 

I was so wrong. She returned from camp with a bunch of extra (non-perishable) food from the camp's industrial-size kitchen, a ton of craft supplies from the craft barn, and other supplies that were going to get thrown away. They all ended up on the kitchen table and stayed there for months, maybe even years... 

Pretty much within minutes of arriving home, she had returned the table to an unusable state. I have to say I was a little bit heartbroken. 

This of course is before I realized that there was something significant going on in her mind that was making her like this and making the house like this. I somehow thought it was our kids' fault for being so messy, for not helping enough with the cleaning. If only we could be better then things would be better... yes, I believed it on some level, took it to heart.

And you know what, maybe I still feel that way. Those little "if only"s. If only I can figure out the right way to help Mom, then everything will be okay. I just need to learn to let it go. Slowly I'm learning to let it go.

Got to Admit It's Getting Better

WOW it went a lot better last night.

Well, we probably only went through about like a quarter of the clothing. There’s still a lot to do. But we did get rid of 3.5 trash bags worth of clothes. And there were only a couple, very small meltdowns. I think we were able to stay positive for the most part. The focus was more on being able to use four of the dresser drawers again (YAY), getting rid of the “fat” clothes (my mom has lost a ton of weight recently and fits into stuff she used to not be able to), or the cute outfits she will be able to wear – we had a little bit of a fashion show, modeling the outfits for my sister and me.

Research

Here's an article I came across from Social Work Today which goes into the psychology a bit, the current research (emphasis added by me):

Hoarding treatment begins with a person acknowledging the underlying problems that fuel hoarding behavior. The reasons for hoarding differ depending on the person, and treatment is challenging because people who hoard often do not realize their behavior is a problem or they are socially isolated and ashamed due to the condition of their home. Sometimes, they resist treatment because they think it will involve simply clearing out the clutter.

“Just cleaning out the stuff does not address the underlying psychological issues,” Shulman says. “It’s not a clutter problem; it’s a perception/thinking problem.”
According to Steketee, no single condition causes hoarding. Contributing factors or stressors may include the following:

• being raised in a chaotic home or one with confusing family context, or moving frequently;
• cognitive processing issues that affect decision making and problem solving;
• attention-deficit disorder;
• anxiety and/or depression;
• excessive guilt about waste; and
• genetics and family history because hoarding behavior runs in families.

[...]

“Hoarding may induce feelings of safety and security and/or reinforce identity,” adds Steketee.

The exact causes of hoarding are still uncertain, and research on the physiology and psychology of hoarding is ongoing. Geneticists are working to identify genetic loci related to hoarding behavior, says Steketee. An imaging study found that cerebral blood flow in a patient with OCD and severe hoarding exhibited a certain pattern during the most severe hoarding symptoms, and the pattern changed when the patient’s hoarding behaviors improved (Ohtsuchi, Matsuo, Akimoto, & Watanabe, 2010). A review of epidemiological, neurobiological, and treatment studies concluded that compulsive hoarding may be a discrete disorder with its own diagnostic criteria (Pertusa et al., 2010).

I kind of hate that word "hoarding" - sounds so awful and messy and sickening. I think of that first step, about acknowledging the underlying problems, but honestly, who would ever want to admit to having that?