Memories, Letting Things Go

I finally got rid of this little flower thing my ex had made for me. After our first "fight." The following morning, he showed up with the homemade flower from his 3D printer, a very sweet gesture, of course, but didn't change the fact that he hadn't lived up to what he'd told me on three different occasions that he would do. Eventually we dealt with that particular situation, but the pattern that had caused that first conflict was a thread carried through the whole relationship. Despite many good and fun and tender moments as well.

A few months after I broke up with him, he contacted me by email. We wrote about a few different things, growth, life changes, etc. until it got to the point where I realized he was trying to get back together. I concluded that I must make it clear that this would not be happening. I told him so, as gently as possible while still being absolutely clear in my intentions.

The letter he wrote back was written in a way that would make me feel awful. Sly, subtle attacks on my character, attributing motivations to me. It caused me real pain to read those words. He concluded with a request for me not to contact him. As I have only ever contacted him in response to his emails or texts, and as this is not the first time he has lashed out at me in a hurtful manner like this, I have absolutely no problem respecting that request.

It is sad to me that things had to conclude on such bitter terms, as I have some very fond memories of our time together as well, in addition to the negative.

I don't know, I guess I just kept the little flower around because in a way it reminded me of our good times, and of his sort of well-intentioned sweetness. But this most recent lashing out at me makes me realize that it is probably time to just LET. IT. GO.

A quote from Annie (yes I am her newest, most enthusiastic fangirl) that sort of helps to put things into perspective, although the link to the post appears to be broken:

It’s okay to break-up. It’s just fine to admit that in the end it’s you walking that path, just you. You can still relish in the company you had for a time by way of a relationship. Two paths joined and merged, and the proximity to another’s brought about illimitable lessons. And then the paths diverged again and both parties walked on their separate ways with, we hope, more wisdom and insight into themselves than they had before.

Anyhow, throughout it all, there will be some paths joined to yours perpetually. And those will be simply marvelous.

"Live Simply" Blog: Check it Out

Seems like the prevailing (instinctual?) way to approach organizing a cluttered or non-functional area is "how can I fit what I own into this space?" The tangible results of organizing with this type of mindset is often oppressive, counterproductive, and short-lived.

Key to a functional, long-term, simple/attractive organizational solution is actually evaluating what you own and comparing it to what you need or want to own. Making detached judgments about your possessions. In doing so, you come to see that, more often than not, the solution to a messy area is not "more storage" but "less stuff" (or at least a combination of "less stuff" and "more storage").

Anyway, on that note, I'd love to introduce a lovely, light-hearted blog with some very practical and beautiful tips and advice on organizing and storage and simplifying:

Live Simply By Annie

I came across it the other day looking for ideas for my future (hopefully!) new own apartment. Annie's mission is to help "people everywhere expel the extraneous and instill their lives with a sense of ease, laughter and light through introspection, clutter obliteration, organization, and a steadfast intolerance for complication."

What I appreciate about her advice and solutions is that she clearly understands the importance of the evaluative part of process. And you can see it at every level of the advice she gives from kitchen drawer to bedroom to daily routines.

Moving Forward (an update)

Hello blog! It has been so long.

Lots has been happening for me. I've been accepted to grad school (with scholarship WOOH), and I'll be moving across the country at the end of the summer.

Just like this:

No, but really, I'm so excited about the program and my future home/scenery next to very very beautiful mountains, but will miss all my loved ones here so much.

I've come to peace with a lot of the family stuff. I feel really happy about my relationship with my parents, like we are in a good place in relation to each other. I no longer feel so much pressure from myself to do/be everything for them. Ok that's a lie. I do feel a lot of pressure (loyalty?), and like I said, the decision to move to another state for three years was really difficult for me. But I do feel it will be good for me to make this leap and do something totally new and different.

Anyway, along those lines, I'm thinking it's time for me to get a place of my own (if I'm able to swing it financially - which seems possible in a city where property values are not quite so high as here). I'm at the point in my life where I feel I'm ready for going solo, living-wise.

• Socially I will be spending probably ten to twelve hours a day in classes, lab, clinicals, study groups, etc. so it will be really good for me to have a place all my own to unwind and relax on my own terms. Plus I just calculated, I've been living with roommates for TEN YEARS. Sheesh.
• Practically (or organizationally?) another self-reflection, realizing I have put so much work and effort and self-training into my home maintenance and organization skills over the past several years. I know now how to create a space that "works" for a particular purpose, how to effectively store items where I'd use them, how to evaluate what I need/want vs what I don't need/want (and to periodically go through my possessions and do so)... and I've gotten to the point where I actually take pride in keeping areas tidy and clean: doing dishes right after I use them, wiping down the counters before bed, having the bathroom sink empty of clutter, making my bed in the morning, and so forth. 

I really have come a long way, which is a source of pride for me. And I imagine that having an apartment of my very own, that sense of ownership of place will be a reward for all that I've become, but it will also present an exciting challenge for me. Will I be able to maintain these new habits with busy time constraints, with no pressure (even self-inflicted) of roommates "judging" me?

I hope so, I believe so!

Staying on Task

Why does it seem so hard to stay on task for long tracts of unstructured time? This is not rhetorical. This is a legit question I'm wondering. Seriously, if you have anything that helps you, please, do share!

Things I did today which are productive:

• Went on a short training hike for an upcoming backpacking trip I'm going on. 
• Posted three things on craigslist. 
• Moved two more items into my new room.
• Had a nap. 

The training hike was maybe four hours, the nap was an hour and a half. The rest of the day... I cannot account for it. I read some articles online. Sent some emails. Ate some baby carrots. I don't even know what else. The main things I have on my to-do this weekend are two very large and unpleasant tasks:

• Prepare for an exam on Tuesday
• Finish going through my old room (it is really just those horrible dregs left now UGH)

I guess I need to break things up into more manageable chunks, huh? It is so easy to be focused on small/short tasks, or larger pleasant tasks, or tasks that have discrete sub-tasks. But these large awful ones. You gotta make it as fun and possible and break it down into smaller steps. Okay.

Room:

I still have some time until the evening. Give myself one hour. Put on some fun music. There isn't a huuuge ton left. I should be able to get through the rest of it by then, or almost then. I guess I just need to make a pile of things that I definitely need to keep and then stack up everything else along the edge to be donated. I then have to find homes for those few key items in the new room, but I won't include that in the hour. The little hoardy beast inside of me is resisting this batch of sorting so much, I can feel it. Anyway, after one hour I will re-group, see how far I've gotten. Not be too hard on myself. 

Studying:

I think I need to have one or two small 'fun' things planned for tomorrow to help break up my time. Then I can give myself one hour chunks (which usually turn into larger chunks once you get going on something), and maybe throw in some random tasks too, laundry and what not. 

Okay this plan is not a super duper plan, but it's at least enough framework to start from. And now I have a little bit of accountability, because I'm writing this out and posting it in a semi-public place. 

GO ME.

Downsizing

I'm moving into a smaller room within my apartment to save a little bit on my monthly rent. That $60 each month adds up! We're fortunately between roommates for one of the rooms so that gives everybody a chance to play musical rooms without too much frenzy. Anyway, I have moved approximately half of my stuff into the new room. I love it with this amount of stuff in it (okay even a little more stuff would be okay, like on the shelves above the desk, for example). But I still feel like I want to seriously pare down on my possessions.

Here is the new room:

I don't have my shoes, some of my clothes, any of my sports or camping equipment, my books, or hobby supplies. Yet, somehow there is a lot more stuff in my old room beside those things I just mentioned. I've decided, if there's not a good, reasonable place for it in the new room, I think I am going to need to get rid of it. Even if it is cute/pretty, or from a friend or family member, or reminds me of something nice.

The plus side is that I can be a lot more ruthless with myself/my own stuff. I might regret it later, but probably I won't.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Ha. I had totally forgotten about this blog (if anyone is still reading).

Lots of other changes going on in my life. At a certain point I realized I was putting my own decisions on hold because I was worried what would happen to my parents. Those feelings are coming from a good place. Maybe. In some ways. But such a mindset is not too healthy in other ways.

They are adults, they can face things.

I'm not their parent. I need to make decisions* based on my own future.

And I realized I wasn't doing that. I was staying in a situation that was making me pretty unhappy at least in part because I was worried about finances and what would happen if my family needed the money and I was not able to help them out. That is just plain messed up. So I have decided to quit my job and go back to school and prepare for a total career change. I have money saved up. I will be able to take care of myself financially, pay my rent and my tuition, have some wiggle room in case something bad or unexpected happens.

It makes me feel excited, hopefully, eager about the future and about right now too. And I love feeling that way.  So, it has been a good choice so far, even though it is a little scary not to have an income.

And I think it will work out for them too. They have a "gentleman's agreement" on the house, they will sign the papers at the end of this month.

I will maybe talk about that more later and what my role will be in the process of them moving.



*To be fair, I think I put most of the pressure on myself, to be there for everyone, to help everyone out. I just want to fill the needs that exist for the people I care about. I don't even think people are demanding it of me, I think I am demanding it of myself. Everyone (at work, my family, my friends) has been surprisingly understanding when I have drawn boundaries for myself and said "no I need to do this, for me, instead"

Good News!

They are putting the house on the market. They've met with a realtor, pictures happening today I believe, house on market next Tuesday. This is the aggressive plan, maybe not even wholly unrealistic.

I went over a couple evenings last week, helped move boxes down to a 'staging' area in the garage. Sunday was yard work, mulching, painting the fence. Tonight probably more boxes. My mom had been using the professional organizers too, an extra set of hands, so that's great. I guess it's at a point where the remaining stuff can be stowed out of sight (i.e. in garage) while the dwelling area is showcased. Hurrah!!!

Also no need to sign the home equity note.

I'm unfortunately starting to get sick I think. I'm so so so tired. But it's really going somewhere. I think it really might just happen... don't want to get my hopes up tooooo much, but it's looking good, realtor says it's actually not too bad a time to sell even.

Haha... the gif looks slightly ridiculous with that border around it. Ah well.

Adult

I had offered to lend my dad some money if they ended up in a tight spot (with the rule of thumb in mind that you shouldn't lend more than you'd be willing to give). I had looked through my budget and decided an amount that I'd be comfortable never getting back from them. But they didn't end up needing it when we first had the conversation.

The house is now mostly in a state to sell, but there is a home equity note to sign. Earlier this week, he asked me to sign for a portion of it, a low percentage, which I wouldn't even have to pay if the house sells, but if the house doesn't sell, the amount I'd be responsible for is higher than the amount I had initially thought of loaning them (or potentially giving them if they are unable to pay back ever). I'm still not sure I fully understand the situation. I will see my dad this weekend and hopefully clarify exactly what this entails. Maybe talk to my friend who is a lawyer. I'm of course not going to be signing stuff blindly.

I kind of want to say that I will agree to it IF Mom agrees to go to therapy, but that seems pretty manipulative. I don't know. I don't really have much experience with this type of decision. I'm mostly just working through it here. Not agreeing to anything.

Other tough news: I have gotten a letter from my employer about some mistakes I made last week, that this is a problem, that I am on probation until the end of the year. Serious stuff. As soon as I knew about the mistakes I immediately worked to correct them and make sure that sort of thing never happens again. But it is true, even beyond that incident, I am distracted. I know that I cannot blame this on anyone or anything else.

A part of me wants to be so selfish and say FINE THEN I QUIT...

But I need the money. I need to feel secure financially. Plus I'm a fighter. I'm a stubborn mo*******king fighter.

Funny Dream

I had a dream I was some kind of fugitive. I had to grab some provisions quickly and get outta town.

I stopped by my parents’ to get some supplies and they were going to give me a lift. My mom kept bringing out items that I might need. I was like AHHH NO I’ve got pretty much everything I need, plus it’s going to be super suspicious, not to mention HEAVY, if I am carrying around all these bags with this stuff – I have to leave, I have to leave, they are coming. She said, no it will be fine, it will be fine, brought out winter gloves, scarves, some food, etc.

My heart was racing.

Then I looked out the front window and saw two dark colored government vans pull in front of the house. They are here! I say. What should I do? A thought occurred to me at the same time my mom spoke it, go out the back door.

So I did, with all of the stuff she had convinced me to bring, kind of already knowing they’d be able to overtake me quickly, since they’d see all the remaining supplies inside, since I’d be on foot, since there’d be no way for my parents to drive me anywhere if they were talking to those government people.

I woke up, very relieved, almost laughing that it was a dream.

Memory

Hung out Friday with a good friend of mine from growing up (she has known me since first grade - over 20 years!). I've talked to her a bit about the hoarding situation, because I've known her so long, I trust her, she's a psychologist and also has really really reasonable standards of appropriate boundaries or behavior. At one point though I recounted a story from when I was maybe 20.

So for almost as long as I can remember either the kitchen or dining room table has been unusable. We would either eat all our meals on the kitchen table or all of the meals on the dining room table, depending which was clean. 

So I have this recollection, thinking, I'm going to do something awesome for Mom, she's always complaining about how the house is such a mess. I will clean off the kitchen table so we can eat on it again. She was away helping as a cook at this church youth camp for teenage girls - I think at least two of my sisters were attending. Anyway I spent probably half a day tossing the expired coupons and the junk mail, compiling anything that looked important into a small stack. I wiped down the table, put out a tablecloth, possibly even picked some flowers from the yard to make it all pretty for when my mom and the girls arrived home. I was imagining her being so happy and pleased that we would be able to use the table again, that it looked so nice, that I had spent time to do something kind for her. 

I was so wrong. She returned from camp with a bunch of extra (non-perishable) food from the camp's industrial-size kitchen, a ton of craft supplies from the craft barn, and other supplies that were going to get thrown away. They all ended up on the kitchen table and stayed there for months, maybe even years... 

Pretty much within minutes of arriving home, she had returned the table to an unusable state. I have to say I was a little bit heartbroken. 

This of course is before I realized that there was something significant going on in her mind that was making her like this and making the house like this. I somehow thought it was our kids' fault for being so messy, for not helping enough with the cleaning. If only we could be better then things would be better... yes, I believed it on some level, took it to heart.

And you know what, maybe I still feel that way. Those little "if only"s. If only I can figure out the right way to help Mom, then everything will be okay. I just need to learn to let it go. Slowly I'm learning to let it go.

Got to Admit It's Getting Better

WOW it went a lot better last night.

Well, we probably only went through about like a quarter of the clothing. There’s still a lot to do. But we did get rid of 3.5 trash bags worth of clothes. And there were only a couple, very small meltdowns. I think we were able to stay positive for the most part. The focus was more on being able to use four of the dresser drawers again (YAY), getting rid of the “fat” clothes (my mom has lost a ton of weight recently and fits into stuff she used to not be able to), or the cute outfits she will be able to wear – we had a little bit of a fashion show, modeling the outfits for my sister and me.

Research

Here's an article I came across from Social Work Today which goes into the psychology a bit, the current research (emphasis added by me):

Hoarding treatment begins with a person acknowledging the underlying problems that fuel hoarding behavior. The reasons for hoarding differ depending on the person, and treatment is challenging because people who hoard often do not realize their behavior is a problem or they are socially isolated and ashamed due to the condition of their home. Sometimes, they resist treatment because they think it will involve simply clearing out the clutter.

“Just cleaning out the stuff does not address the underlying psychological issues,” Shulman says. “It’s not a clutter problem; it’s a perception/thinking problem.”
According to Steketee, no single condition causes hoarding. Contributing factors or stressors may include the following:

• being raised in a chaotic home or one with confusing family context, or moving frequently;
• cognitive processing issues that affect decision making and problem solving;
• attention-deficit disorder;
• anxiety and/or depression;
• excessive guilt about waste; and
• genetics and family history because hoarding behavior runs in families.

[...]

“Hoarding may induce feelings of safety and security and/or reinforce identity,” adds Steketee.

The exact causes of hoarding are still uncertain, and research on the physiology and psychology of hoarding is ongoing. Geneticists are working to identify genetic loci related to hoarding behavior, says Steketee. An imaging study found that cerebral blood flow in a patient with OCD and severe hoarding exhibited a certain pattern during the most severe hoarding symptoms, and the pattern changed when the patient’s hoarding behaviors improved (Ohtsuchi, Matsuo, Akimoto, & Watanabe, 2010). A review of epidemiological, neurobiological, and treatment studies concluded that compulsive hoarding may be a discrete disorder with its own diagnostic criteria (Pertusa et al., 2010).

I kind of hate that word "hoarding" - sounds so awful and messy and sickening. I think of that first step, about acknowledging the underlying problems, but honestly, who would ever want to admit to having that?

Feeling a Bit Better Now

Whenever I spend time with my mom and it's particularly frustrating, I always find myself with this very strong urge or almost compulsion to CLEAN, to THROW THINGS AWAY, to MAKE STUFF with my craft supplies. So, this past weekend I cleaned the whole apartment, got rid of a bunch of stuff, made a pillow cover, cleaned again (after hosting a Sunday brunch)... it feels so good to do that kind of thing, to live in my own space and to make it how I like it. Maybe it's also a little bit proving to myself that I don't have to be like my mom, afraid to part with stuff, afraid to use things, afraid to make creative messes - ironically... Also to prove that I can train myself to have a healthy relationship to my possessions and my own dwelling.

Even if there doesn't seem to be much progress with my mom, there is progress with ME, and there can always be progress with me, if I'm willing and able to put in the effort.

Annoyed

I am annoyed and frustrated. Nothing is going to be better. Everything is so hard. I try to be calm and emotionally detached from the situation, but how can you work hard at something without getting attached to it? I don't want my parents to have to be homeless. I don't want them to have no money and nowhere to live. I want my little sister to get a chance at life.

UGH.

We spent like 2 hours yesterday going through tons and tons of CHEAP JEWELRY. Got rid of like half of it. It doesn't matter to her if she wears it or not, matters if she'd LIKE to wear it or could IMAGINE wearing it. She just wants to keep everything, has a shirt that goes perfectly with those earrings, needs some small fake pearls and some large fake pearls. Let's not get into clothes. She had "sorted through" some of the clothes that she wanted to keep. I asked if she wears them and she said yes she does. Fine. I noticed a brightly patterned dress and said "WOW I've never seen you wear that one" (not even meant as a cross examination, just I was surprised that she had it and wore it), and she said "well I haven't worn that one YET" she was moving stuff around from pile to pile kind of distractedly, I just decided to let the matter drop. Clothes are going to require at least one other support person when we go through it.

So much crying... repressed anger and sadness that she won't share except when it tumbles out. I can't be sympathetic the way I'd like to be because I have to focus on the task at hand or else we won't get anything done. What a mess.

I'm not a therapist. I'm still figuring out how to deal with stuff in my own life for goodness sake. It's not like you taught me how to deal with anything like that MOM.

I'm so annoyed I'm so frustrated. Life is so dumb. Everything is so dumb.

COH Porn

When I have had a rough "session" with my mom or am feeling bummed out or frustrated about the situation I go to realsimple.com, particularly their section on organizing. They have some helpful information, but a lot of the time I just go to see the calm, pretty pictures.

I know it's not reality. I just like it.

This is actually a helpful one. Supplies you need in the cleaning cabinet: rubber gloves, bucket, distilled white vinegar, disinfectant, mild abrasive, microfiber cloths, sponges disposable wipes, and all-purpose cleaner in a scent you love. Who knew it could be so simple?

Mid-August Update

Craft giveaway went ok. We got rid of probably 1/3 of the craft supplies, which is honestly more than I thought we would. There were a lot of really happy ladies with armfuls of stamps, paper, sewing supplies, whatnots. So that was nice. There’s still a bunch left though. A couple of the ladies from church wanted to host a yardsale to try to get some money. That’s fine to me if they do it, but I decided I don’t need to help out with that. I will focus on the main goal: getting the house cleaned out.

Really nice of those ladies though, huh? My mom managed to pull through the experience without breaking down, remarkable grace and poise. I should tell her that.

The first floor is about 70% cleared out. It’s amazing. We were able to vacuum in the family/TV room for the first time in probably a 5-10 years.

I don’t know what will happen after this move is over. I really REALLY want her to start seeing someone, a professional, but I just don’t know how to convince them. It’s horrible to think this way, but I just don’t want to go through everything when my parents die. 

Anyway I went hiking with some friends this weekend, a 9-mile, 4-peak loop in NH. Exhausting but so beautiful. Things like that keep you sane, grounded, happy about the world and life, you know?